Been aching for an auction for weeks. Something about strong coffee, cold concrete and hard chairs that just makes me feel good. But just as my fall schedule would never allow me to attend an auction, the auctioneers love hunting too much to ever waste a Saturday working when they could be out in the country.

They advertised this first one of the winter season as an "antique and art" auction. Wife and I checked the wares out on Wednesday, and it was more art than anything else.

Art and guns, that is. The artwork included lots of originals and prints by well known but local artists.

And a bunch of Vivi Crandall prints. Most of which were nicely framed. We've seen Vivi's work fly through these auctions before. Always well outside our price range. But you never know...

It might blizzard and close the highways. Happened to one antique auction before. None of the professional buyers could get here, and prices were cheap.

But there was no blizzard today. Over 120 buyers. First item on the block was a collectable decanter, decades old and still full of whiskey. "If you drink this and die," declared the auctioneer, "don't bother to tell us. We don't care."

Went for $27.50. And they reminded us about their expressed guarantee... which is, basically there is no guarantee. All is sold as is.

It became obvious quickly that there were few buyers here after "antiques". So much stuff went dirt cheap. A box of old toys from the first half of the last century, including a rubber Sherman tank, went for under $30. A box with both Hall (2) and Hull (3) ceramic pieces went for $10.

A heavy burl oak table went for just $60. Assorted oak chairs went for much less. A pristine 5-gal crock pot complete with the original wire handles went for just $15.

But not everything went cheap. An original crank telephone, still including the magneto, went for $225. Grandpa embellished this sale with a tale about one of the local ranchers that he helped install one of these devices when they were new. The old pioneer, who had spent most of his life alone, talking to no one, spent most of his latter years tying up the party line, talking to anyone and everyone.

Two antique glass bottles would not sell. "Someone give me a dollar," Grandpa pleaded. Most of us knew what was coming once he got that 1 dollar bid... "Sold!".

"Did I get it?" came an excited female voice from the back of the room.

A pair of mounted steer horns, just like in Smokey and the Bandit, and Twins went for $25.

The marble collectors were apparently there. The cheapest mason jar of old glass baubles went for $30. Highest was $45.

A collection of HO-scale train gear, including everything you would want to fill a corner of your basement, didn't get a single bid until it was down to $5. Then rose in $5 increments to finally sell for $160. The "O" scale set, including a steam engine and Erie car just like in ours, went for just $55.

They had one of the old, original stage coach strongboxes. Unlike in the movies, these small boxes were made of thick steel with a recessed lid and hidden hinges. The only weak spot would have been the padlock. A friend, #101, bought it for $60.

I don't know why.

One of the gals in front of us was thrilled with her cheap box of 75rpm records. Have you ever heard of Carl Smith and the Sun Valley Orchestra?

I still find it hard to accept that quarts of oil are now "collectibles" if they're in metal cans. I still use a few drops from one to oil the furnace every fall. If the cans in the garage had the additives to match our modern vehicles, we'd use them up.

Almost no one wanted an antique wicker baby carriage in perfect condition. "That's worth $300 anywhere in the country." the auctioneer claimed. Apparently, in this part of the country, it's worth $110.

He also pointed out a locked steamer trunk "Could be full of diamonds and gold." If it is, someone will get their $75 back. As I recall, the last locked steamer trunk sold about a year ago went to a pastor or minister.

And was full of old porn.

Yeah, they reportedly threw it away. Probably was worth more than the trunk...

Another, larger trunk complete with the internal trays, in good condition, went for only $25. $25. Another 10 seconds and I woulda bid on it.

Anyone know what a kitchen "hoosier" is? Apparently quite collectible, most apparently no longer have their flour bin attached. If you needed one, the bin went for $25.

Naturally, with twenty-some firearms on sale, lots of gun buyers were there. So the box of antique .22 ammo went for $85.

The cases of 8-oz Coke bottles, some still filled with Coca-cola, originally sold for $17.50. Until they found out their spotters had them sold in two different places. So they had to resell them.

Final sale price was $67.50.

A shoe box full of old glass radio and TV tubes went for $7. If it has the right tubes, they'll probably get their money back real quick.

A box of old books included one entitled "Romances During the Time of Henry IVth of Germany." "Ohh, I bet that's real interesting," sneered Grandpa.

A stack of comic books from the 1890s and first few years of the 1900s went for only $12.50. Yeah, my hand was starting to go up when he announced "Sold!"

I just wanted to read 'em.

The Montgomery Ward's surveyor's transit and tripods went for only $50. Once again I was real close to bidding. Just 'cause old scientific equipment is cool.

The usual coin collectors were there, so we were pretty sure there wouldn't be any bargains with the old money, but we may have been wrong. A collection of Japanese Occupation bills, which I had never seen nor heard of before, went for only $40. Roughly twice their face value. From the second row these looked exactly like American currency, but apparently there were differences that would let you know these were part of the economy imposed on Japan after WWII.

Grandpa started bidding on a mint sheet of four $5-bills at $20, "'Cause I know they're worth that."

It was along about this time the two ladies in front of me vacated their seats. And Ruby, who'd shrugged forlornly at her husband who came in too late to get a seat, kept trying to get his attention. You know, without nodding or waving, which can get you in trouble at an auction. But he kept chatting with the gal standing next to him on the side and completely missed seeing the empty seat by his wife.

The choice front row seat was quickly taken by another woman, who sidled in to visit with Rube. The husband later paid for his neglect when the artwork came up, 'cause he wasn't there to stop his wife from bidding.

A roll of uncirculated Washington presidential "golden" dollars went for $32.50, at $1.30 each. Whereas 10 loose, circulated Sacajawea "golden" dollars went for $20, or $2 each. Guess I'll hang on to my Sacajaweas.

The auctioneer had a hard time keeping his Dad on track today. When a bag of Mexican coins came up, Grandpa related in detail how he won a bunch of pesos at a cock fight in Mexico, the winning bird jumping up on its dead rival on its one good leg to crow its victory. "They got a weird sense of fun down there."

As usual, a collection of Morgan silver dollars was sold choice, with the bidding price being for a single coin, winner choosing which ones and how many. As bids slowly crept up towards the thirty dollar range, the man sitting at the end of our row, who we had not seen here before, made one final check of the crib notes in his hand and shouted "One hundred dollars!"

Grandpa patiently explained, "We're bidding on the price for one silver dollar, not all ten." The man insisted he knew that, and his bid was $100.

There were no other bids at that point, and the man went up to retrieve one particular silver dollar. Starting over to "choice" the remaining nine, the same man quickly won at $42.50. And took two dollars off the table. There were no other takers, so the remaining seven were sold as a set, and the same fellow bought them for $155.

So he got all ten for, what, $340? Clearly he knew what each of these coins were worth, but his strategy seemed, well, weird. But try as I might, I can't think of any way he could been guaranteed all ten any cheaper.

Gonna have to rethink strategies on how to buy "choice" a little more, now.

A magnetic bracelet, still new in the package, promised a whole list of health benefits, last of which was "a great sex life." "I need all of those," announced Grandpa.

"Remember our guarantee," warned one of the spotters.

A hundred-year old beer token for E Lujan's bar (gone long ago) went for $90. A silver pocket watch went for just $100. The 2.1 gram Alaskan gold nugget sold for $90 (need to look that up and see how that shakes out at $1200/ounce). A silver $5 coin sold for $25, and a $50 gold coin sold for $800. The highest price so far.

But then we hit the artwork.

All of the artwork, whether watercolors, carvings, oil or acrylics, were by local artists. At least three different parties were divesting themselves of their collections. Either they need the cash, or it's time to retire and sell out.

Bill, who is still around in assisted living, is a talented wildlife painter, but was most well known for his paintings where he carved the scene in relief on wood or antler, and then painted it. One of his originals, of strutting sage grouse, used to greet you as you came in the door of one of the local restaurants. It was for sale back then, I think for something like $300.

It was the main reason I came to this auction. But I never even put my hand up, and certainly wasn't going to throw in when it finally sold at ... $3,000. The gal who won was on the phone with someone making the decisions on her bid.

Bill's other two wood carvings were of pheasants, which you do not find around here unless you threw them out of a cage, or they fell off a train from Nebraska (which was my best explanation of the rooster that got run over next to the tracks many years ago). Still, I was surprised both went for $2300 and $2600.

Well. I can see we came to the wrong auction.

His painting of a bull moose on a carved moose antler went for only $800. Weird.

When Kerry, the second local artist, drew a childrens book about black-footed ferrets, she asked me to review it to make sure everything, while cutesy, was technically accurate. They've since moved to Missouri. We have one of her mule deer paintings on our dining room wall. It is only a framed print, and has been a sore point, 'cause when we bid $35 at that auction years ago, the auctioneer claimed it was an "original". Yeah, an original "print". Not the painting itself.

Remember their guarantee...

Well, the original of that print wasn't here, but unframed prints of the same went for $65, so we're not so sore anymore.

Ruby got two of Kerry's originals, the pronghorn in the rocks and the bighorn ram "Ringmaster", both the ones she wanted. If her husband'd stayed, he might have saved $1500.

Kerry's two foxes? $450. The pronghorn buck was $325, bighorn ram and ewe went for $425, the twin lions for $600. The wolf pack coming out of the woods, $875 to Bill from scouts. The Red October fox went to our friend with the strongbox for $650. Kerry is most well known for her horse paintings, both wild and domestic. The original of her feral horses at the watering hole went for $1125. Her ponies for $775.

What the wife really wanted was her bison in Hayden Valley, but it went for $700 to the gal with a phone bidder, and she wasn't stopping there. As I reluctantly stopped the wife from bidding, if we want any Crandalls at all at these prices, we'd better save our money.

I never met Alan, but his work, mostly watercolors and acrylics, is known around here. But not much on the internet. His three bighorn rams, "Thinking of Ewe" is probably his most well known. The original sold today for $300. His pronghorn, a real freak buck harvested around here, for $150. Another normal buck for $350.

Alan painted a mule deer buck blended into birch trees in the style of Bev Doolittle, but it looks really weird because the buck has three right antlers.

Thing is, the deer really did have three right antlers. It was shot around here years ago, and is now mounted in what, Jackson? Cody? But the painting just looks weird. It sold for $250. The one of deer sleeping in our veteran's cemetery went for $175.

The highest bid for one of Alan's works was for his "Seminoe Ram". Grandpa pointed out there probably aren't any of those bighorns left any more. He may be right, but I was tempted to point out there will be 60 of them in those hills by February. Twenty in just a couple weeks.

As for the highest bid, well, sorry. I just had to have it. Seemed appropriate, you know?