Once Saturday's Outhouse Races were over, and we had finished congratulating the winners, it was time for lunch. Despite the street vendors and restaurants available downtown, the wife and I were agreed.

We wanted hot dogs at the antique auction. So back we went.

Ended up having to sit in the back, as someone had taken our front row seats (but we got them back in less than an hour). One of the first items up when we got back was three small dolls. Bill, the antique dealer/spotter started digging his glasses out. "He's going to look at their butts," the wife said.

And so he did. Lifted the skirts of each of the three, and peeked at their butts. Apparently no interesting manufacturer's information or dates stamped down there, 'cause he didn't bid.

Or maybe he just likes peeking at their butts.

They had quite a collection of old coins, which they broke up into small lots. Almost all of which were bought by #50, the stepfather of one of the boys in our youth group. The one whose mom cannot afford a uniform for him. Or the handbook. Who never brings a dinner to campouts, and has to mooch off the rest of us (we always bring extra, so it's not a problem, but he would rather starve than ask). But step-dad spent several hundred dollars on his coin collection today.

They had one bag that had 3 buffalo nickels and 7 Indian head pennies. "So how many we got altogether?", Grandpa asks. "Well, 3 + 7 = 10 is what I was taught," replies his son. "Yeah, I knew that," Grandpa said, shaking his head.

Auctioneer wasn't doing much better. When the Franklin half-dollars came up, he call them "Jefferson" half-dollars. Must have had Jefferson on the mind (because of the Lewis and Clark Bicentennial?), because he called the Roosevelt dimes "Jefferson dimes."

Wife wanted to see how much the stereopticon went for, since she has one from a grandmother (and a few of the stereo pictures). But this one had a stand, as well. And looked unusually clean and shiny. Bidding went high, but then someone discovered a stack of photos to go with it. Bidding then was close to $200.

Wife of our ex-Mayor leaned over and whispered ("It's a replica.") As were the pics. Out-of-towner apparently didn't know.

As he delivered the over-priced replica, Ed dropped the stand. A tense moment, but all appeared to be okay.

Remember the little gyroscope toy tops? Popular after Sputnik and Gemini? They had one. Auctioneer's son kept poking at it, trying to figure out what it was. His Dad quietly showed him where the string went, and how you made them spin.

A box came up with an old toy or two, and a whole bunch of Gillette Safety Razors. Wife got a little upset when Grandpa described that box as "a child's collection box."

Had racks and racks of old dresses, and women's vests and coats. Most from the 1890s-1919 era, all in excellent, wearable shape. (All too small for the wife, or most other females.) Tourist ladies behind us were in awe, "Amazing they're not rotted!" Hey, nothing rots out here, folks. It just dries up and gets blown away.

When an old gin bottle came up, Grandpa mentioned it was the good stuff. Not the Saffire gin he gets from Sam's club for $30 for a half-gallon.

They had six Edison record player cylinders, in their original cases. With a picture of Edison on the label, from Edison Laboratoies, New Jersey. Wanted at least one of those, but our ex-Mayor had pointed them out to me on Friday as we looked the goods over, and he definitely wanted them. So I didn't feel right trying to buy them. But the starting bids got no takers down to $10, so I started bidding. Ex-Mayor didn't jump in until we were in the mid-$20s, and I dropped out soon after to let him go for it. Which he did.

Only two of the six weren't broken, but it was the cases I liked. Offered to buy one from them afterwards, but they politely declined. Seems they have a functional old Edison cylinder player.

One of my aunts or uncles did, too, because I remember seeing and hearing one as a child. But I checked eBay yesterday. Ex-Mayor got a fair price, but not a great price. Maybe I'll get one there.

At least three cases I can remember of folks getting called for bids when they were just scratching or waving. One tourist got called for waving hello to a friend who had just come in, and she turned red and got terribly embarrassed. And got the spiel about "If you scratch your nose or your butt, we'll get you every time."

But they let her off.

Now, they mark most items with the lot number written on masking tape on the item. And if it is too large to be handed over during the auction, they write the winner's number on that tape and set it aside. At one hectic point, Grandson was frantically patting his shirt pockets and pants pockets, trying to find his pen. And sheepishly caught the wife watching him when he found it behind his ear.

Three antique horse collars went for $12.50. The decorators definitely weren't here.

Did you know they once made little electric clothes washers that were just beaters spinning around in what looks like a double boiler? Neither did I, but they did.

A little whiskey decanter shaped like our state's bronc and rider couldn't get a starting bid down to $2.50. Grandpa pointed out it's "got that much liquor in there." He leaned forward to a fellow in the front row and told him, "You buy it, and I'll split it with ya."

An excellent condition red and white tricycle came up, complete with tassles. And what the auctioneer repeatedly called a "horn," even after hearing it tinkle several times. Numerous ladies in the crowd, including the wife, couldn't stand it anymore and corrected him that it was a "bell."

An "ET" horse brand went for $47.50. After several jokes about calling home. A short, beat-up brass spittoon went really high, to our ex-Mayor, who beat out one of the tourists for it. You see, they have a cabin along the river to decorate.

A 5-gallon crock pot came up, described as having "no cracks or chips," but was almost fumbled at the table. "Although it might when he's done playing with it."

Then they brought out a "matadi"... an Indian grinding stone. The flat piece of sandstone, with the rounded rock in the worn basin. Looks almost exactly like the one I found in the desert once, except it's not broken.

And I foolishly left mine where I found it.

Probably bouncing around in some oil rigger's truck by now.

Only fetched $27.50.

Now I had never seen anything like this at an auction before.

A leather dress form. A model of the female human torso, designed for making clothes, but made out of leather. Dozens of small segments of leather, that were adjustable to create female forms of different sizes and shapes.

Looked like bondage wear. Would have been great decoration in some bars or clubs.

The non-local who got caught waving ended up buying it.

Ever seen a full grown man do a hula dance while trying to play a ukelele? While wearing a black cowboy hat?

I have.

Now.

They tried to hurry things up as the afternoon wore on, often not repacking glasswares as carefully as it was when it made it to the block. Occassionally hurrying it to the buyer, and throwing the packing after.

At least one buyer balled the packing up and threw it back.

After the umpteenth auction that closed with two separate winners, Grandpa leaned back to his son and whispered "This sale's falling apart."

Auctioneer claimed a ceramic piece was "McCoy", but noted it had been broken and glued. Bill corrected him, "Actually, it's "Weller." And added, "No offense."

They also got a little punchy near the end. An antique egg beater was sold as a boat motor. With straight faces all the way. The second one up was sold as the backup. Or a trolling motor.

A painting of the Grand Tetons (or "Big Tits... I just love that name.) was described by the auctioneer as a "Franklin" original. "You remember him, don't you Dad?" He was described as a "local artist." And "he may be out by now."

Five or six of the foot-tall china dolls came up. Winner had choice of one, or all. She took two, including the western girl who had the wrong hat on.

When the missing little red hat showed up several boxes later, they stopped the auction to give it to the doll buyer.

They also had one of the BB-pistols that was made in our community after WW-II. And mass produced for the Italian army and police, since they couldn't, under the armistice, possess real guns. Next was the same gun, with shooting gallery, that was later made in California. This complete kit had two of the loading devices, whereas the other had had none.

So they gave the first buyer one of the devices, instead of making him bid on the whole kit to get one.

One of the out-of-towners, a pretty brunette, bought roughly 1/4 to 1/3 of the auction.

Really.

They just set aside part of the room for her stuff. And most folks were getting quite annoyed at #40. Of course, the auctioneers were happy to see her there. I cost her a little extra money at least once.

When one item was bouncing up at #2.50 increments between her and a local up front, the man suddenly jumped from her $40-some bid to $75, just to get it over. And shut her up, which it did.

She gave such a glare at his back, but she didn't bid any more.

She also lost on a wooden Pepsi crate. There were cheers behind us when the ex-Mayor of our community (not our town... this was a different person) won.

But she (the ex-Mayor) was worried. "My son's gonna kill me. He works for Coca Cola!"

So, our take from all this? One of the cheapest auctions we've attended, since we couldn't afford most of what we were interested in. I wanted a baggie filled with old election pins (Most were replicas, hence were ignored, but the 1915 Liberty Bell pins were originals), a tiny "Al Capone" cap gun, and two railroad pins. These metal pins have numbers on the head, and were pounded into the first tie of each mile on the railroad. Dating that stretch of ties. These two are 35 and 36, for 1935 and 1936. Been wanting at least one of these for some time.

Along with those came a bunch of seashells from the Philippines. Touristy stuff, but three with fish etched into them. As good as you can find with laser-etched wood these days. One a necklace. Didn't know it was there, but wife loves it.

Picked up a tray of glassware, just to get a metal and stone bonsai tree for the wife. Which will sit next to her real bonsai in her office. Eldest son snatched two other items from that box that he wanted, the rest will be resold.

And an Indian headdress. Modern, with fake turkey feathers and bright red and blue colors. But our youth group tried making one of those. The kit alone cost more than we paid at the auction, and the effort to wrap and mount each feather was more than we could expend. This will work great, once I figure out how to get it off the display stand.