I have no right to write this entry. I'm certainly no fountain of wisdom, and know practically nothing about your situation. But you threw a cry of pain out into the ethernet, and there are only a few of us left around to hear it, so I thought I might try to answer.

First and foremost, I suspect the pain that caused you to break your long silence has probably already passed. And this is all a waste of electrons. But hey, electrons are cheap...

As you already know, you do not have nothing. You still have Maddie, who is beautiful and has grown incredibly. A girl scout already? Geez. Just having her in your life and care places you well ahead a large part of humanity who may have more things, but do not have children. Whatever else your life may be missing, hang on to that.

But clearly you felt as if something else was missing. It is so easy for us humans to get into ruts and routines only to awaken months or years later to realize we haven't really done anything. But when kids are so little, it is more important to focus on them and their needs and growth, and set our own needs aside. Perhaps your daughter is old enough now that you can start thinking a little more about yourself.

When you waken from a long winter slumber to realize, "Gee, nothing has changed," the first instinct is often to try to make some drastic change in our lives to move us ahead. But drastic changes are risky, and if they fail, the fall back into the safety of ruts and routines can seem to be unavoidable.

I recommend you instead look at taking small steps. Find some small thing outside your current routines, and try it on for size. Shoot for something outside your current comfort zone, but don't try to grab the moon in one reach. Scouting was a good diversion for us. They always need volunteers for something. If you can't commit time every week or month, try offering to help with one of their annual events. Be one of the chaperones on a campout. Run one of their food drives. Teach the kids photography, or cooking or pet care. The leaders running the troops may look accomplished and confident, but they all started knowing next to nothing about the Scouting program, and will be happy to guide you along.

I suppose soccer teams always need volunteers, too. Or step farther out and take yoga, or help at the library, day care or community center. If your life's rythyms are guided by the previous generation you live with, remember they are often looking for the comfort and security of routines. You, on the other hand, are young enough to still be exploring, daring to try things that are new. Don't let their comfort and safety suck you in. You're too young for that.

I think the trick is to not try to change too much too quickly. Add a walk after dinner two, maybe three times a week. You have skills, but probably aren't even aware how valuable they might be. Even your time has value to someone. Stretch out and offer your time and help to others, and things may come your way. Like with the internet, the more links you have to the outside, the more traffic that comes to you.

News reports suggest many are taking the opportunity of this economic downturn to get additional training for new careers. That makes sense, and if there was ever anything else you wanted to do with your life, now might be the cheapest time to try to learn the skills you need to make those dreams happen. Just plan out where you want to be, what you need to get there, and then start the journey. Just plan on small, persistent steps.

Well, that was a lot of platitudes, babbling advice you could probably get anywhere on the internet. And probably nothing you didn't already know. What you apparently did not know is that you can do this. I have peeked in on your life for a lot of years now, and from here it looks like you have done remarkably well. If where you are is not where you want to be, then you only need to decide to change it.

One small step at a time.