We walked in too late to see what the first item was on the auction block. But when the clerk asked what the number was for the winning bidder, Grandpa answered "E. W."

His initials.

First item up to bid, and already he's outbidding the crowd. A good sign, since that usually means the room is not too full of antique buyers, and he's found a bargain just too good to pass up.

As the crowd snickered, grandpa stated in his defense, "These things don't last forever. The champagne flutes I bought at our last auction?"

"Wore one out already."

Been a while since we'd been to an auction. Seems whenever I wanted to go, the wife didn't. Or vice versa. We decided to come to this one just 35 minutes before the first sale.

Smallish crowd. Didn't hear any numbers above 66. Most of the wares were from a fancy gift shop that closed its doors, a shop filled with bric-a-brac, paintings and art prints. Plus some antiques, and a small estate, which yielded the usual housewares, garden supplies, and a good coin collection.

Second item was some tire chains. "Don't know what they fit," was grandpa's description.

"A tire" his son's sarcastic response.

And we were off to a good start.

I started bidding early, when they brought up six Jim Beam whiskey decanters (one still full, seal intact). Just too tempting with that Yellowstone Centennial bottle in there. But I gave up at $25.

When the condiment stand came up, we learned grandpa calls such things "add-a-ments", not condiments.

A gorgeous, engraved antique electric Mercury sewing machine went for $12.50. Clearly the regular antique buyers were not there. Just the specialists, after coins and art.

"Now there's a combination", grandpa announced, when the spotters put two stadium seats, a pair of crutches and a projector screen all on the block at the same.

He started at $10. No takers.

None at $5. Nor at $2.50.

A woman in the third row offered "one dollar".

"One dollar!?" the auctioneer asked, incredulously.

"Sell it to her!"

They had an apprentice auctioneer there, and allowed him to briefly call when they got down to the household clutter that probably wouldn't sell for much anyway. His cadence was all different, and his voice so monotone you had a hard time telling when he had changed a price, up or down. Usually down. He was down to a dollar on most items almost immediately, and rarely got over two dollars because he sold so fast.

After a while it got kinda hard to follow. As yet another item dropped to one dollar in less than twenty seconds, he asked "Please don't laught at me."

When nobody at all wanted the second kitchen blender of the day, he pleaded "Pleeease give me a dollar."

And got it.

When bidding actually picked up for one lot, he forgot his role in things and shouted "Yo!" at one of the bidders.

Full force into the microphone.

"Oh, I'm not supposed to do that now" was his embarrassed response.

The real auctioneer was laughing so hard he had to collapse into a nearby recliner.

Really.

So, not too bad for his third auction. But we noticed they replaced him before they got back to the real antiques.

And he did get applauded when he stepped down.

Today I learned the word "magnet" is also a verb. As in: "An antenna that magnets to the top of your car."

Two of the modern folding lawn chairs that come in their own bags went for $15. Wife explained to me you can get them brand new for $5 each at summer sales.

A couple trays of kitchen wares could not sell, even at a dollar. So they added more.

Still wouldn't sell.

The kid they had working as a spotter pleaded "Pleeease!" in a perfect copy of the apprentice auctioneer.

And got a bid.

Saw something I've never seen at an auction in our part of the world before.

Scuba gear. Tank, hoses, fins, regulator, everything you could ever want or need to go exploring under the water. As the spotters thumped a couple strap-on lead weights onto the block, grandpa started off with...

"Ladies, if you want to get rid of your husband..."

Before he could continue with his joke about strapping those lead weights on a body, three female voices, from different parts of the room, all shouted "Sold!" at the same time.

The auctioneer then pointed out "Some of you husbands might want to buy the tank and breathing apparatus..." (which went for $110).

When a box with two brass menorahs came up, the auctioneer announced it was a great set "if you happen to be a little Jewish". Apparently no one was, because the best he could get was one dollar. Until a woman in the second row bought them for $2.

Have no idea what we're gonna do with 'em. Had to get on the internet just to find out what the difference is between the seven candle and nine candle types. But they still had the store price stickers on them, and totalled over $50.

Ebay, maybe?

The lady sitting next to the wife had a cell phone with one of those really loud, annoying musical tones. And had plenty of calls during the auction, never leaving her seat to answer it. As she sat there yet again, covering her mouth with her bidder's card to muffle the auction noise whenever she tried to speak, she failed to notice the spotter staring right at her.

And the rapidly increasing bids on the item on the block.

The wife leaned over.

"You're bidding!" she quietly explained.

The woman's face turned red, and the phone snapped shut. But she cost somebody in the back of the room close to twenty dollars.

She was clearly a newby to auctions. We had never met her before, yet she kept telling the wife what items she was waiting for. Was thrilled when she won a Coleman stove for sixty-some dollars. (They're on ebay for a third that). Bought her husband a backyard barbeque for $50, without waiting to see if the auctioneer would have gone lower (he would). And tried to raise herself to $60. But she was having a good time, and called her husband right away to let him know what she'd won.

Without using her bidder's card as a muffle.

I remember those days.

When a nice roll-away bed came up, grandpa pointed out "If you've got company comin', just put 'em on this and they won't stay too long."

Found out why the wife decided we should go to the auction today. Have no idea where we're going to put an oak wall cabinet with beveled mirror doors. But we've got one now.

Three framed original Police Gazette covers from the early 1950s went for just $10, including one of Babe Ruth.

Them putting a camel saddle up on the block wasn't so surprising as the wife knowing what it was.

"How many of you already have one of these?" the auctioneer asked.

When no hands went up, he gleefully announced to his dad that "They're all potential buyers!"

He started asking $50, but was soon dropping down. Got his first bid at $10.

"There's a man with a camel!"

It sold for $12.50, so there must be at least two camels in town.

Had loads and loads of collectable toy cars still in their boxes. Including a couple "Weetabix" vans.

And I thought some diarist just made that word up.

Got to watch grandpa roll his own cigarette. But yeah, he was kind enough to go outside to light it.

If you try to buy some collectable metal antique car banks on ebay, you might check the pictures real close. Looking for spatter marks on the boxes.

You see, their little girl had too many nachos for lunch...

A carbide miner's headlamp went for $15.

I think that's cheap.

A 40 HP boat motor went for only $125. New, those things'll cost you $100 for each horsepower. Might've helped if they'd disconnected it from the controls in the boat, rather than just cutting the wires...

Finding no interest in the six hollow, wood indoor doors (with handles and hinges), they sold them all together. With some pleading, they finally got a bid.

One dollar.

"Boy, will your husband be proud of you," the auctioneer teased.

Grandpa started off the lot of four wheat pennies by asking for four cents.

Got a dollar.

Had a hard time not bidding for the currency lots. I love silver certificates and half dollars. And buffalo nickels. As it is, I only bid on four Eisenhower bicentennial dollars, and got them for $6.

And since found on ebay that I paid too much.

But better than the fellow who bought the first six at $3 each.

And better than the spotter who bid $10. Until they pointed out to him it was choice, not the whole set.

A couple silver dollars would have been nice, but one dealer got them all for $20 each.

All 30. I don't care to spend that much money on money.

Naturally they saved the artwork until almost the very end.

Had four of Vivi's, but none that we really liked, none framed. The swan print went for $90. The racing pronghorn went for just $40, but it had a major crease or fold in it (and I was tempted, but the wife thinks the pronghorn in back looks stupid). The coyote proof was the big crowd pleaser, at $270. And the "Fruit of the Loom" cat print went for $120.

The two Maya prints actually sold better than the Vivis.

While trying to read a print number, the auctioneer was told by his father that he'd either have to start wearing glasses, or grow longer arms.

An elk print went for a reasonable $42.50 early in the artwork.

Another exact same print of the same picture, with one digit higher print number, later sold for over $80.

Weird.

A nice puffin print, number 20 out of 980, was going dirt cheap at $5. Finally ended up at $17.50, even though one of the bids wasn't actually a bid.

But that's okay. I like puffins.

Anybody wanna buy a Mario Fernandez puffin print?