Okay, so how does one groom one's scrotum when you're going to be presenting it to a complete stranger?

Surely there's some unwritten rules out there. I mean, I know you want to be clean and dry. Duh. But what about the hair? Leave it long and scruffy like a jungle for them to comb through? Shave it all off, and look just a little on the weird side? Like a part-time porn star?

Not to mention the "dry" part. It's a two-hour drive. No matter how dry you get yourself before you start, things are not gonna be that way two hours later when someone else gets their hands on you. Do you use underarm deoderant down there? Or does someone manufacture a product for just that exact locale? Or do you hit the local truck stop and rent a shower minutes before your appointment?

You know, in those thousands and thousands of spam emails I get for products to help my penis, I cannot recall anything that would help here. Why is that?

These aren't hypothetical questions. Today, as I headed home from a pleasant morning of lekking, these questions were prominent in my mind.

After almost a year of waiting until I had some "free time", I was finally seeing the urologist. (Actually this was something that has been put off for over 15 years. So what was another 10 months?) Although I had absolutely no idea which of the three physicians I would be visiting. Or, for that matter, what their names were. There was always the possibility I would get a female. But I discounted that possibility. What female would specialize in that part of human anatomy?

Either way, in a few hours, a complete stranger was going to be inspecting and manipulating my most private parts. And what worried me was not what they would find or recommend, but whether I might give offense.

We're strange things, us human beings, aren't we?

It occurred to me, as I pondered these questions, that I really wished I knew someone in the porn business. A male, that is. Yes, knowing a female in the porn business would be great, too, but probably not very helpful in questions of scrotal grooming. But a male porn star could probably answer those questions.

'Course his first advice would be to shave, and I've been there, done that.

So, I compromised. Trimmed the hairs short, but left them all there. Then, what the hell, I used the deoderant. Which felt fine, but as I started to get dressed, a thought occurred to me.

You've never used that stuff down there before. Kinda sensitive skin. Is today the day you want to experiment?

What if you get a reaction?

I mean, showing up with a red rash all around the equipment is not going to make a good impression. Doctor's gonna ship you off to a dermatologist, or a clinic, before he even looks at what he's supposed to look at.

Craaaap.

Back into the shower I went.

Women make great claims about being able to multi-task better than males. Handling home, children, career and spouse all at the same time. All in the same minute. And for most, it seems to be true.

Not the receptionist at the urologist's office. She was one of those folks that does this, and then I'm going to do that, and then these two other things, and when I'm all completely done with this patient's paperwork, I might then acknowledge your existence.

Fortunately, the other gal running around in the back was the standard multi-tasker, and she had me well into my own paperwork, and her back to her own, before the receptionist had turned around.

Just the same, if I hadn't driven two hours to get there, and the only alternative was another office 90-some miles a different direction, I would have walked out. Because, as I filled out the obligatory two pages of detailed, repetitive medical history and insurance information, the receptionist took a phone call.

Clearly a personal call. A mother, sister or girlfriend, discussing on old high school flame who was back in town. And his current marital status, employment history, what have you. Mid-way through this call, another line rings.

"You want an appointment in June? I think we have a few slots open, but you'll have to wait until I can back out of this screen to get our appointments open to check."

Then, you guessed it. She went back to her highly personal call. I got through an entire half-page of my detailed medical trivia before she leisurely ended her call. And returned to the patient on hold.

"Well that's done [loud sigh of exasperation]. I'm here at the desk all by myself today. Now, what week were you looking at?"

I wish I could report some snappy remark I had made, but Anenigma I'm not. I kept my thoughts to myself.

The doc and nurses, however, were top rate.

So, things should be rather straight-forward, scrotal health-wise. Only one complication. I need to find seven days of rest following the surgery.

Seven days.

Seven consecutive days.

Man, Doc, if I had that kind of free time, I would have been here a decade ago. I give seven to ten days of annual leave back to the outfit every year 'cause I can't find the time to use them. How am I supposed to find seven days? In a row?

I mean, we're clearly waiting until after strutting season. And antelope flying season in June.

Before antelope classifications in August and the fall hunting seasons would be nice. I know the wife would like that.

Maybe July??