A few hours ago, the wife and I were out in the back yard, in the cold. Trying, by the bright lights of our neighbors' annoying security lights, to slide the tip of a small plastic bottle up into a heeler's butt.

Not an easy thing to do.

You see, a couple weeks ago, the little maskless heeler, still recovering from her knee surgery, got horribly constipated. To the point she was visibly bloated. She would go outside at every opportunity, and squat all over the yard, grunting.

But nothing came out.

In an effort to loosen things up, we let her enjoy a bedtime snack of Total cereal. The next morning, still nothing. Lots of effort, no deposits.

That was the day I hauled her and her sister the 127 miles to Regional Town. After ninety mile without a break, she was clearly desperate, and I pulled off on one of the old stage coach routes (really) to give them a break.

She almost immediately left a pile.

And another.

And two more. By the time we hit the road again, not eight minutes later, she was a mighty happy camper. And no more problems.

Until yesterday. So we tried the bran cereal at bedtime stunt again. Only using shredded wheat this time.

Come morning, no go.

Lunchtime. Still no go. With lots and lots of effort. So, when the wife came home for a late lunch, I donned a latex glove and performed a quick proctological probe of her poor red anus (the heeler's, not the wife's). Intentionally leaving a good deal of lube behind.

The heeler, I should mention, did not appreciate these ministrations, and I would have puncture marks in my arms had the wife not been restraining the front end.

But when the wife comes home from work, the little heeler is still plugged. And we're worried about serious health problems here.

So, the wife scrounges up a small plastic bottle with a nozzle on it. Which she fills with warm water, and out into the yard we three go.

After two successful insertions (I should mention, should you ever be in this situation, you have to seriously watch out for back splash. Or, more accurately, back spray.), we were rewarded with three small, hard, greyish turds. One of which looked like it came out sideways. As much as she yiped when the nozzle went in, the little heeler was most appreciative afterwards, bouncing and bumping and snuggling.

Snuggling up to the wife, mind you, not me. I'm the bastard who shoved something up her butt.

Her dinner this evening was oatmeal soaked in bacon grease. And at bedtime, after much straining on her part, we were rewarded with a small, natural looking turd.

And yes, neighbors, we always shine a spotlight on our dogs' butts when they're doing their duty at night. What do you do for your nighttime entertainment?

Anyway, hopefully, tomorrow her bodily functions will be back to normal.

Hopefully, that will occur outside the house.