As is usual for these things, the workshop in Central City was a lot better than I expected.

Our "instructor" was nothing like others I have had. A retired FBI agent, he is reportedly one of the top seven experts in the world on acute traumatic stress. With something like 18 years as one of their profilers. And with an enforcement background, probably the best to speak to our outfit.

He spent nine days decompressing rescue workers at WTC early in the crisis, and also at the Pentagon. Has 18 friends in the rubble. Came to us with photos. And personal stories that should probably remain his to tell. Had to fight back tears quite a few times.

But he didn't really speak to us. The first hour and ten minutes was a stand-up comedy routine that would put Jay Leno to shame.

Really.

I actually have fairly good notes on the comedy, but feel I shouldn't repeat most of it, since the man is making a really good living off of this stuff. (Although enforcement outfits like ours get a large discount rate.) But a few were jokes I had heard before, so here's some of what we heard that may not be original material:

"I used to hate cats, but I like them better now that I have two good recipes."

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

"I know what cheese is, and what whiz is. Why would I want to buy something called Cheese Whiz?"

He wasn't too fond of Arkansas (nor the President who came from there.), commenting that there you need 32 men in one room to get a full set of teeth.

Or the Arkansas man who went to therapy, complaining about his horrible wife. When the therapist suggested that maybe he should divorce her, the man dejectedly responded "Yeah, but then she'd still be my sister."

"Men are either Type A or Type B personalities. Most women are Type E: everything to everybody."

"Most women are looking for the one man who will fill their every need. Most men are looking for every woman who will fill their one need."

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and the impersonators would be dead."

"A vegetarian asked a hunter how he could shoot ducks. 'Oh, it's not hard. You just need to lead them a little bit,' was his response."

"If vegetarians love animals too much to eat them, then why do vegetarians hate plants so much?" (I remembered those two for you, Melissa.)

"Is Disney World a 'people trap' run by a mouse?"

"Why do they call it a 'hot water heater'? Who needs to heat hot water?"

"Why do they sterilize the needles used for lethal injections?"

"Once you get married, you no longer need to remember the mistakes you made in the past. That's taken care of."

"Definition: 'model' = a greatly reduced version of the real thing... as in, 'model husband.'"

"I'm an agent of the F.B.I.. I have access to the X-Files!"

The comedy was interspersed with words of wisdom, such as:

"You can never get as good as you can. As soon as you stop trying, you get bad."

"Teaching professional ethics in Chicago is like trying to get Tanya Harding on a box of Wheaties."

"In any graduating class, the bottom half makes the top half possible."

"Skate to where the puck is gonna be, not where it is." - Wayne Gretsky

"Reality is the leading cause of stress... for those in touch with it."

"He who has the most toys does not win. There is no U-Haul behind the hearse."

"In every argument, in order for you to win, the other person must lose. Do you really want them to be a loser?"

This gentleman was less than impressed with our "International Airport." With it's one ticket agent and two National Guardsmen. When he asked where he should pick up his luggage, the man pointed to the back of the plane.

He was also a little unsure about the mission of our outfit. Our Central City office has a two-story display of 20 mounted deer heads and 20+ deer racks. (All confiscated in one poaching case, with fines ~$80,000.) His comment?

"I come to the land where the deer and the antelope play, and there they all are, hanging on the wall!"

The upstairs landing is filled with other confiscated trophies...

"I look at this beautiful picture of an elk strolling across a meadow, and then I turn around, and there he is! Stuffed."

He was a little bewildered by all the pointy-toed boots. And finally concluded we use them to climb chain-link fences. Said he wanted to call America's Most Wanted and tell them he had "found all of 'em."

He was impressed by some of our specialized skills: "When you find poop in the woods, you know who left it, and when!"

And the final good point of the day? He apparently confused Wednesday's schedule with Thursday's and let us out an hour early.

Dinner at Red Lobster. Grilled seafood platter, with a bunch of the high-country and grizzly folks as company.

Good meal.