Yesterday and today I have been pretending to work, transferring my antelope classification observations from my field notes onto the standard data entry forms (yes, we are still that technologically backward in our outfit) while half watching and listening to the ongoing news reports.

When I first heard of the terrorist attacks on Tuesday, I was angry. Since, I have been sad, melancholy, defiant and lonely. I have tried to imagine what the horror was like for people in these places, in these planes. And for their survivors.

I have felt gratitude for the heroes, and pride in my fellow Americans.

I have felt shame and anger at those of us who have struck out with racial hatred.

I even called home, to talk to my folks, in the middle of the week. Just to talk. Been a long time since that has happened.

But I have never cried.

Not one tear.

Today, I worked as I listened to Ari Fleischer at a White House news conference. Questions had been asked about support from other countries and other world leaders. A woman asked about the special gesture by Great Britain.

The Brits, the stalwarts of tradition and unchanging rituals.

Had played the Star Spangled Banner at the Changing of the Guard.

Oh my.

I cried and cried.

Am crying still.