Just got two interesting phone calls in quick succession.

Well, actually the first was interesting. The second was just kinda routine.

The second call was a hunter from West Virginia who had just received his first ever antelope license, in one of my areas, and was calling for information on access in particular and antelope hunting in general. Been a lot of these calls lately, as the antelope, deer and elk licenses were mailed out in early July.

West Virginia. A thirty hour drive with four people in one truck for a weekend of hunting. And then 30 hours back. And they think it is wonderful.

Guess I should be more appreciative every time I get to go out into the sage.

The first call was a gentleman from Central City, asking me if I knew how to keep antelope from coming in and eating his plants. Particularly his rose bushes. He was referred to me by someone in the phone bank in our Capital office.

My first thought is, "why refer him to me?" Our outfit has a major office in Central City, with at least two people doing the same job that I am, plus their boss, the boss's boss, and even the boss of that boss (and me too, for that matter). Not to mention at least two game wardens, whose job it is to handle damage problems like this.

Either a) one of the temporaries they hire for the phone bank doesn't know where I am,

Or b) one of the temporaries they hire for the phone bank doesn't know where Central City is...

Or c) this gentleman has already tried all the folks in Central City, without satisfaction, and now they are moving him out to me.

Okay, what do I know about antelope and ornamentals?

Not much. Never been a problem here, as far as I know. Yeah, the deer get into people's gardens, flowers and shrubs all the time, but never an antelope. They don't like closed-in places. Had one outside my office window once, which was neat, but she didn't stick around.

So I mention that fences and shrubbery tend to discourage antelope from coming into yards. But it's not likely he's going to run out and plant hedges or build a fence to guard his roses. And Central City has received a few well publicized visits by mountain lions in recent years, and our folks there are actively discouraging people from landscaping with lots of fences and shrubbery to discourage intrusions by lions. This was in the back of my mind, but I did not mention it.

A few people have had some luck surrounding their roses with an electrified wire. To shock any trespassing deer. Presumably it would work with antelope. But low voltage wires tend to be easily grounded by dew, water from sprinklers, and tall wet grass. And low voltages often don't do anything at all to critters with long, hollow hair.

Like antelope.

The only person who used it with any success in our town just plugged the wire into the 120 volt wall socket. Although he had no jurisdiction in the matter, the game warden forced the man to remove his electrified fence before he killed someone's pet, or worse, a little kid.

There are commercial chemicals that you can apply to repel big game. They've been scientifically tested, and only one really works. And it washes off every time it rains or you water the plants, so it has to be reapplied. Oh, and it's toxic to pets and little kids.

As in, if they're small enough, it kills them.

Better be damn important rose bushes.

I did not mention these to the rose gardener.

By the way, since I'm on the subject of scientific studies. The little deer-repelling ultrasonic whistles you mount on your car?

Don't do squat.

And the angled reflectors that someone convinced your highway department to put alongside the roads to repel deer?

Don't do squat.

Believe it or not, there have been scientific studies done on the repellent benefits of certain types of commercial soap bars.

Really.

Admittedly, only on small decorative trees, and with white-tailed deer. They found Irish Spring bars were the most repellent to deer. It will cut consumption by 50 percent, if you hang at least one bar every meter, and keep replenishing them as they get old and fade.

Bet that'd be real attractive in your rose garden. But I did tell him about the soap bars. And hanging little bags of human hair (only good until they get wet and rinse off).

Otherwise, I didn't have much to tell the gardener.

Bet those are the same answers he got from the people in our Central City office.

What I should have done is explained to him that when you move out into the country to be where the wildlife is, you have to expect the wildlife to take advantage of whatever you offer them. Don't like antelope in your rose bushes? Then move downtown!

I shoulda tried to sell him some angled reflectors and a whistle.