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27 June 2006 - 14:46

new engagement etiquette

"When two women are getting married, what are the rules of etiquette on giving showers, and engagement rings?"

This question thrown at me out of the blue by the wife.

You mean, to each other?

"Yeah."

This question came up because the daughter of a friend just accepted a marriage proposal from her lesbian partner. And an engagement ring.

Problem was, she didn't know if she was supposed to reciprocate. Does she give a ring, too?

Heh. Not only has gay marriage moved all of us into uncharted waters, but the people actually involved are sailing without a map, too.

Cool stuff.

So she asked her mother. Who didn't know. And who had the additional query of "Who gets a bridal shower in cases like this?" One? Both? Neither?

So, she turned to my wife for answers.

I don't know why.

Who turned to me.

Not sure how I came to be the Miss Heloise of gay marriage, but I gave it a shot...

Well, I suppose you throw a bridal shower for both of them, together.

Unless they're one of those couples where one has decidedly adopted the 'male" roll, in which case, I guess not. Of the two lesbian couples whose weddings I am remotely familiar, in one they were both brides, and in the other I would say there was a bride and a groom.

So you need to know which kind of lesbian couple these two are. Do they share strap-on duties, or is it always one using it on the other?

"Well, I'm sure we wouldn't know!" was the wife's unhelpful reply.

Well, okay, probably not the sort of thing a daughter would discuss with her mother. When in doubt, I would say you throw a party for both of them, together.

"Like a "Commitment Party?"

Well, yeah, but I wouldn't call it that. If they're going all the way to Canada for a wedding, they want more than a civil union. They want a marriage. I would call it a bridal shower, or an engagement party.

As far as an engagement ring, I would say yeah, she should buy one for her partner. Unless her partner is really butch, she probably also has dreams of being given and wearing an engagement ring.

Besides, depending on what type of social life they have, it might be nice to have her wearing a ring, too, just to declare their intentions.

Marking territory, so to speak.

That was my advice. So, any lesbians out there, married, committed or otherwise, was I too far off?

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