We were late.

The first auction in months, and we overslept. If it wasn't for the heelers, we would have been even later. As it was, we bought their last three donuts, our two bottomless coffee mugs, and headed inside.

And were surprised to be able to grab two seats in the front row.

The ones with padding. Important when you're going to be sitting there for hours. But yeah, not much of a crowd. We ended up with bidder's number 44, and the highest I heard called out was 49.

These were what they called "living estate" sales. Presumably an elderly person's life situation has changed, and they're clearing out their entire homes. Most of the decor was early 1970s, with matching amber swag lamps, end tables, cabinets, etc. One couple apparently had a "blue room" and an "amber room", with an entire table of blue glassware, and another of amber. Each set had a mixture of vases, candy dishes, decanters, what-have-you.

The item on the block when we sat down was the 1938, '39, '40 and '41 yearbooks for our local high school. I whispered to the wife those typically go for $30-$50 each on eBay, which surprised her. These four went for a total of $52.50 to the local antique dealers sitting next to me. The woman spent the entire auction thumbing through those four volumes. Peeking over I saw an ad for the Ferris Hotel, my abode for the first three nights I spent in this town, so many years ago.

It's gone, now. A parking lot for the Elks. But we have a few of the ceramic tiles that lined the outside foundation.

You could tell the auctioneers were having a little trouble getting back into the swing of things after a couple months with no sales. A box of needlepoint threads was described as "yarn", which brought a friendly argument, until the auctioneer gave up with a "Whatever."

One of the first lots of blue glassware included a couple small glasses, which the auctioneer described as "demitasse", and his father called "shot glasses". "Some of us have lived a different life" was the corrected son's retort.

An intricately tooled, but not particularly attractive leather notebook went for $42.50. Presumed to have been a convict's work project.

A used popcorn popper was described as "clean as a pin" by grandpa. The auctioneer later used the same misquoted phrase for another item. "Maybe their whole family says it wrong," the wife whispered to me.

When bidder #45 won an item, grandpa stopped to ask "How are the Lascos?" "Haven't seen you in a long time." His son the auctioneer, who has to pay his spotters by the hour, waited impatiently as his father hogged the mic to socialize.

An electric potpourri heater wasn't identified until after it was sold. But was still described as "the best we ever sold."

A 1997 Zenith color tv was auctioned off with its table stand "because we think you're all good people," the auctioneer announced. But those of us in front could hear him mutter under his breath, "And so we can sell the damn thing."

They confessed an oak rocking chair should have been saved for their antique auction later in the spring. In the middle of his cadence, grandpa stopped and said, "Little girl... little girl! When you wave like that, you buy granny rockers for $90." The woman, probably in her forties, was both embarrassed and flattered.

Whoever the patron saint of auctions is must have been on duty. Three times the spotter Jay had some glass item separate into two pieces when he swung them up for viewing, and three times he caught the errant piece in midair before it could hit the concrete floor.

Two huge boxes of bundles of embroidery thread went for $70. They seemed to think that was cheap.

Someone had covered an old piano bench with bright orange/pink fluff more than three inches thick. "Imagine getting up in the morning and parking your little fanny on that!" grandpa enticed.

Didn't work. The ugly thing went for $3.

Audio tape sets of the Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, the Covenant and the New Hope (each 24 cassettes) went for $2.50.

Total, not each.

A single video cassette, completely unlabeled, still in its unmarked cardboard mailer also went for $2.50.

"Worth that just to find out what it is," the auctioneer quipped.

Two racks with 200 rolls of complete rainbow shades of thread went for $32.50. Really. Thirty-two and a half bucks for spools of thread.

Yeah, the crafters were here.

The auctioneers were unable to explain a box of supplies that included metal plates with etched designs. A woman behind us had to explain it was something called "liquid embroidery." "Don't you remember doing that?"

Ummm, no. Must've missed that fad.

One of the regulars got a bargain with a box for $5 which included a near-new men's shaving kit. Marked with the emblem of our local transcontinental railroad company.

Two oil painting kits, one of which included a handful of unused sable-hair paint brushes, went for $140. Auctioneers thought that was a bargain.

Another lot of blue glass included a 12-oz tumbler. Which the auctioneer snidely called a "shotglass" for some.

My hopes for a small desktop 9-drawer cabinet went away quickly, with it ending at $55. A regular single-drawer filing cabinet didn't start until the asking price got down to $2.50, and then started climbing. "Ohhh, I love this," grandpa announced mid-cadence.

Husband and wife were bidding against each other. And no, he didn't back the bids up.

The small, more modern 12-drawer desktop cabinet also went away, for $70, to someone else.

The auctioneer mistook a glass candleholder for yet another candy dish. An error his father was pleased to take the time to point out. "Ohh, we're gonna be here forever," the auctioneer complained.

"But ain't we havin' fun?" was the reply. The next lot of blue glass was described as "bluegrass", and the phony nuts mistaken for leftover candy.

Grandpa stopped mid-cadence for a partially completed handicraft project to point at one of the bidders in the third row. "This # 4, this pretty lady here? Her husband sitting quietly with his hands folded in his lap? He doesn't realize how much work he's got lined up here."

Occassionally there would be some real carnival glass mixed in with the lots of blue or amber glassware, which they would auction off separately. One piece was identified as 1950s replica of the real carnival glass, "which you had to get by throwing dimes in a bowl." "This stuff here you could just buy."

The woman who was bidding against her husband later tried bidding against herself. "Pay attention," grandpa scolded, "I'll tell you when it's your turn again." He then explained to the rest of us, "It's only her 69th or 70th auction."

Then had to confess he forgot where the bidding was, and hard to start over. "We'll be here all day," complained his son.

A box of needlepoint blanks came up, "All you have to do it fill them in," was the description.

Trying to rush things, the auctioneer set a fine leathertop end table up on the block and tipped it to display.

And the drawer fell out. And broke. "It was in excellent condition" his dad scolded. The auctioneer promised "I'll glue it before you leave."

A cast iron wood-burning stove went for only $47.50.

'Course, it was only six inches high...

Seventy-some skeins of unused tapestry yarn went for $45, apparently another bargain.

And then there was the partially complete, unidentified clothing being hand sewn out of... purple leather. Yeah, from the same estate as the Bible and Book of Mormon audio tapes.

A really fine, nearly new baby crib went for only $140.

Somewhere near the end, the box that included the ceramic garden gnome finally came up. (The future daughter-in-law loves garden gnomes). But by then the auctioneer was in a hurry, and threw two other boxes of crap and a stupid wire plant table up on the block with it.

Yeah, the wife won. For a pittance. But we got all the other junk, too.

As the spotter delivered our huge pile of crap loot, the crafts lady behind us leaned forward and asked the wife if she could have the simulated wrought iron knick-knack shelf (which matched a set she won earlier) that was in in one box.

The wife politely asked my permission.

Only if she takes something else with it, I immediately replied.

And they thought I was kidding.

A surprisingly non-ugly Roseville mixing bowl went for just $30. Next up was a small stack of brightly colored mixing bowls, which the auctioneer described, in a serious tone, as "classic plastic from China." "The best plastic we've had all day."

Lots of furniture at the end of the auction, including plenty of wood cabinets, presumably used to display all the glassware. The wife got enticed by a hide-a-bed loveseat, which actually would have been perfect if we had a place to keep it until we had cleared enough room to use it. But she made the other gal spend $300 for it.

All in all, our cheapest auction yet. Three desired items for a total of $8 (before sales tax).

And two more boxes of crap, and an ugly, tipsy plant stand.

We spent more of the donuts and hot dogs.