Another long auction entry. If this isn't your cup of tea, move on.

Saturday's auction consisted mainly of three estate sales. Most from one local man, apparently an avid hunter and handyman. Lots of big game trophies and tools. Lots and lots of tools. (Many of which were near-new. What does that say of their previous owner?)

Needless to say, in this western community, this was a man's auction. Attendance was probably three-quarters male, instead of the reverse. A lot of testosterone in the room. And quite a few of the women looked like they had been drug to an unpleasant gathering, just the way most men look at the antique auctions.

The main auctioneer was looking pretty bedraggled when we stopped by Friday afternoon to look over the wares (separately, I might add... the wife and I had the same idea and bumped into each other there). He said it had been a long week. His Saturday didn't start any better.

He starts each auction with a summation of the rules, and expected payment (yes, it was "Mastercharge" again), using the mike and PA system. But couldn't be heard over a loud conversation up front. So he had to tersely ask the participants to tone it down.

The noisy talkers? His Dad and an old cowboy he apparently hadn't seen for many years (at least one great-granddaughter ago). And Grandpa (guess I technically should call him Great-grandpa) has a new toy. A candy-red electric riding cart. No more standing or walking for him. Heard at least one warning of "Watch your toes," as he went wheeling out to the back.

The main auctioneer gave me a little strange look when I asked if he minded if I took pics (to address a request of one particular reader out there). Bet he thinks I was after a photo record of all the trophy mounts. I got a couple shots that came out, but they hardly did the auction justice. Missed all the antelope mounts and moose racks under the table. And most of the tools.

They started the auction with, what else? "A box of tools." Prices generally were high.

One family has been to almost every auction that we have. They bring their own plastic chairs, sit right up front, and bid on just about everything that is going cheap. They bought the first bundle of garden tools. Grandpa's response?

"What did you bid on that for? Your wife?"

You could tell it was a man's estate. One box of pots and pans, another with dishes. Probably 30-40 boxes of tools. And you could tell there were mainly men in the audience.

A near-new Bissell steam carpet cleaner...$15.

Fifteen Snap-On box wrenches...$275.

All of the Snap-On stuff was sold in small lots. Six wrenches here, eight sockets there. And none of this asking for high bids and then going lower until somebody speaks up. They started each handful of tools at $50, and there were immediately takers. And it always went up from there.

So what's so special about Snap-On tools? I really don't know.

Spotters were pretty crabby, too. Lots of missed bids, almost a dozen times when they had two buyers marked out when the item was sold, and had to rebid. Only time I saw anybody buy something without knowing it was the guy by the garage doors nodding to his friend.

They let him off the hook.

But a friendly crowd. Older man sat next to me and just struck up conversations about every other item. Never met him before, that I know of. He left after the boomers were sold (all seven to one buyer, at $12.50 each... good price, but that's a lot of boomers).

Quite a few buckets of the miscellaneous junk that accumulates in a "manshed." (Hi, The Finn). Comment on one bucketful: "Don't know what the heck that is, but it's good stuff." The chef from our Valentine's Day Ball was there, and must have made a dozen trips up front to peek into buckets and boxes.

These auctioneers are the only folks we know who call crowbars "wrecking bars." Or are we the odd ones?

One box included a toilet seat, new in box. "Well, everybody needs one of these." This one was padded. Really. "Pillow soft." (That's a quote.) The grandpa mentioned these items make great mother-in-law picture frames.

Ever seen a "worm-getter"? Just a two-foot metal rod with powercord attached. They said it worked.

When the lawn wagon came out, they pointed out the four tires were radials. Not only that, they were mud/snow tires, and low mileage. Only pulled to church every other Sunday. Nice wagon, but went over $100.

C-clamps were also a big hit. Some large ones over $18 each. One lot of three was choiced out, and then the auctioneer noticed one had been sprung. So he let the buyer have it free.

That's the kind of honest folk these people are.

They started a power floor buffer at $25, then $10, then $5. No takers. Auctioneer asked for $1. The room was quiet. We all knew what was coming. Finally some poor fool nodded.

The auctioneer shouted "Sold!" before the spotter could finish calling out "yep."

"Don't let him out the door!" was the grandpa's response.

Really.

Sometimes it hurts to be out of your element at an auction. They were choicing out five nearly-identical finishing saws. A woman won the bid at $15 each, and took two, not caring which, obviously for a husband who wasn't there.

The remaining three saws sold at $17.50, for all three. Been there, done that, lady.

Long about this time I whispered to the wife that we were gonna have to buy something.

"To justify being here?"

No, just because I have to win something. The testosterone was getting to me.

Was also along about this time that wife's godson arrived. He had his eye on a multi-hundred dollar surround sound system. With our money, of course. They didn't get to that item until late in the auction, and it started immediately at his maximum limit, so that was that. But he made at least three trips to the vehicle with stuff we bought, and got us our coffee refills.

How come godsons are so much more helpful than sons? Is it because they can be bought?

Not the most organized auction these folks have ever put on. A patio table-chair-unbrella set was sold in pieces, with the umbrella separate from its stand, separate from the table, separate from the chairs, and the chair pillows were in yet another box. Kinda reduces people's enthusiasm to buy. Wife found at least two things in our boxes that should have gone with some other major item.

The daughter/granddaughter of the auctioneers was recorder for most of the auction, and on several occasions had to point out bidders to the tired spotters. Sitting in the school desk up on stage does give her a better vantage point. Her son was there, but never once came up front to get in the way.

When she needed her breaks, her sister was her relief. Who had to stop the auction once because her sales page was full. Dad was a little testy when he advised her the blanks were in the desk. And got his humor back when he realized she didn't know how to open the old school desk. "Just lift. Didn't you ever go to school?"

Have you ever seen a full-grown man play gunslinger with two 3/8" electric drills? I have. Now.

The family up front in their lawn chairs kept buying tools. "That's good," said grandpa, "Now I know where to go to borrow tools."

To the spotters' surprise, the auction took a short pause mid-call when grandpa's cowboy buddy had to leave. And brought his granddaughter (or great-granddaughter) up front to introduce her to the old friend in a red riding cart. For a few moments there, the three of them could have been in an empty room. None of the rest of us even existed. And all were quiet.

That was too cool.

I noticed they had tools of just about every craft; welding, wood-working, metalcraft, carpentry, plumbing, electrician, mechanic. This man must have been a jack of all trades.

They started asking $50 for two good hand winches. And had no takers there, or at $25. When the auctioneer asked for $10, I thought I was at a Nazi rally, with all the arms shooting up all at once all around us. They got well over the $50 they asked for in the end.

Probably my biggest thrill of the auction, however, was found in the restroom. On the back of the toilet. A June 1962 issue of Bachelor magazine. Back when men's porn was mostly black and white, cheesy, with curtains and doorways covering most of the essentials. "The true story of those 'Nudie' movies," topless mermaids and the like. Nostalgic (or maybe it was just all the testosterone). If they'd have auctioned off that, I'da bought it.

Had another item that had no takers until they asked just $1. And then sold it to two suckers at the same time. And had to start over. Finally got $4 for it from the poor winner. And to the loser?

"Thanks for playing."

Sold two boxes of used video tapes. Made a point of stating they were selling the tapes only, and not the content. Didn't want any media moguls after them for selling copyrighted stuff. No one wanted them until they threw in a video rewinder.

But, hey, we needed a new rewinder. No idea what we got on the tapes yet.

Overheard in the waiting line for the ladies' room (next to the coffee... get your mind out of the gutter): "I have never been so bored at an auction."

When the two-foot screwdriver came up (Really! At least two feet long with the usual yellow and red plastic handle.), grandpa called it a "watch maker's tool." When the man up front bought it, he asked him "Why buy one so big? You don't need that."

The response? (Made with a threatening gesture.)

"This is for when you come around."

This is getting long, so this will have to do for a while...